A giant spaceship where everybody lives above the ruined earth. They live under an oppressive regime and worship plant pots. Things are dark. The plant pot gods are cruel gods.
OUR HEROINE: CLARKE, an improbably gifted medic at age 17, also censorious blonde who to her credit has excellent priorities like ‘food to help us survive the apocalypse.’
OUR HERO: FINN, seems to have wandered in off another show to such an extent that when plot is happening we don’t see him and most characters appear unaware of his existence as if he is the heroine’s imaginary friend, and who when we do see him clearly wishes to BE on another show.
OUR HEROINE’S BEST FRIEND: WELLS, a kind soul devoted to our heroine though they are on the outs as his dad the Space President killed her dad. Do not get attached to Wells.
OUR ANTAGONIST: BELLAMY, a bad ideas factory prone to a) rashness b) violence c) acts of rash violence. Is not one of the 100, but a wicked stowaway who loves only one person…
HIS SISTER: OCTAVIA, raised under the floor in a spaceship. Wishes to explore life outside floor on earth.
SPACE PRESIDENT: President of the spaceship. Wells’ father.
SPACE VIZIER: President’s right-hand man. Cackles occasionally.
CLARKE’S MOM: Space doctor. Also, Clarke’s mom.
COMIC RELIEF 1: JASPER, who we can tell is a Nerd because he wears Goggles for No Reason.
COMIC RELIEF 2: MONTY, who knows science. (What science? Plants. Radios. SCIENCE.)
OUR HERO’S GIRLFRIEND: RAVEN, a tech genius and raving beauty.
BELLAMY’S THUGS: MURPHY, MILLER, ATOM. Yeah you heard me, ATOM.
LINCOLN: a mutant. Sort of. Not really.
MUTANT PRINCESS: Again not really.
Note: Given the premise of being the survivors of the whole world, there is way more diversity than on most shows, which is awesome, and it is great to see a ton of people of colour (Bellamy, Space President, Wells, Miller, Monty, Raven, Lincoln, Mutant Princess) doing so much cool and different stuff, and being all very cool and different from each other. But I also would be lying to you if I said there were not occasional moments when I went ‘this pinged me wrong.’ So sometimes I do that, with disclaimer—I am a white chick from Ireland and no expert and may be quite wrong.
Overall, obviously because I wrote a whole parody, I really like the show and love the characters. It’ll become clear which ones I like best. But of course, this may all change in the upcoming season two. I’ve been wrong before! I was wrong about the hero of Teen Wolf. I will be wrong again.
Also, this series is based on books I have not read, but intend to! So I displays no knowledge of said books.
Basically I am wrong all the time, enjoy the parody.
HEROINE: Everybody in the world lives in a huge spaceship, the only survivors of a decimated earth 100 years after the apocalypse. All infractions are punishable by death. Stealing gum? DEATH!
HEROINE: So I am quite lucky to be in prison for political activism. They kill me when I turn 18.
SPACE PRESIDENT: We have run out of space on the spaceship and very soon all resources will be gone and we will all be dead. There are not enough spaceships to get us all down to earth, which may still be toxipocalyptic, and in a week we will kill 300 people so they quit eating and breathing air.
HEROINE: So the convicts are definitely for the high jump. In space.
SPACE PRESIDENT: You would think! And yet we have decided to use one of our few precious spaceships to send 100 delinquent kids down to earth to check on its viability. Even though going to earth is literally our only possible option. And none of you have any expertise in anything, except for our heroine who is a 17 year old skilled surgeon and artist. We will outfit you with magic space bracelets to see if you are alive. I’m sure you delinquent kids won’t immediately take them off.
HEROINE: To earth!
SPACE VIZIER: You think I’m the bad guy just because I’d kill everyone on the spaceship except you and I, Pearl from the Vampire Diaries!
PEARL FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: Yes… that is the definition of a bad guy, honey.
PEARL FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: *disappears after the pilot, leaving the Bad Guy to be in a love triangle with the Heroine’s Mother, who he tries to shoot off into space in the pilot*
SPACE VIZIER: *had enough moral issues before we thought him a fickle lover!*
HEROINE: Here I am on a tiny craft to earth, afraid for my life. If only I had a frie-
WELLS: Tis I, your best friend! I committed a crime purely to come to earth and be with you.
HEROINE: I take it back. Hate u. Hate the Space President.
WELLS: But I-
HEROINE: I’d say talk to the hand but the hand’s not talking to you!
HERO: I undo my spaceship seatbelt because I don’t lIVE BY THE MAN’S RulES!
TWO OTHER KIDS: *copy him*
HEROINE: Uh, guys? Bad idea.
TWO OTHER KIDS: *die in crash landing*
HEROINE: I hate to say I told you so.
HEROINE: Just kidding, I actually really love to say I told you so.
HERO: I may have caused the death of two innocent people but we’re not really focusing on the truly important question here—when am I going to get LAID? All applications welcome.
HEROINE: We have crash-landed on earth and need to find food.
OTHER CHARACTERS: Nope, we need to party down and commit acts of sex and violence. We have gone full LORD OF THE FLIES in under two minutes.
HEROINE: Is there a guard for us space delinquents who will talk sense into my companions, none of whom seem to wish for food or shelter?
WICKED STOWAWAY: There was supposed to be, but I shot the Space President so I could come to earth with my sister instead.
WICKED STOWAWAY: Also I have decided to lead this merry band of orgy fiends and torturers. OFF WITH THE SPACE BRACELETS!
HEROINE: Wah, I am doomed… And somebody should have predicted this.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Wah, I am shot… And I should have predicted this.
CLARKE (our heroine): We need to find food.
BELLAMY (wicked stowaway): I love two things. My sister and violence. Food’s not on the list. By the way I dislike fancy people who are friends with the Space President’s son.
CLARKE: Okay everybody please be calm, think about survival, and trust me to lead you to safet-
BELLAMY: Listen up guys! HAVE YOU NOTICED WE’RE ALL SUPER HOT AND HAVE NO ADULT SUPERVISION?
BELLAMY: Off with the space bracelets and my shirt!
SPACE DELINQUENTS: Hail, foxy leader!
BELLAMY: Everybody conga!
CLARKE: I forbid the conga!
BELLAMY: Sing with me now. We’re all space delinquents/I’m a trigger-happy loon/We’re gonna make Lord of the Flies/look like a kids’ cartoon…
CLARKE: … I’m going to go find food.
OCTAVIA (wicked stowaway’s sister): I’ll come with you, I love adventure!
FINN (our hero): I’ll come with both of you, because I love hotties.
SPACE NERDS: As space nerds, we are very interested in hotties also.
HEROINE: I worry that all the animals on earth are dead.
HERO: Don’t fuss your silly pretty little head! See, there’s a deer.
DEER: I am a monster mutant deer with two faces and red jellylike substance in between my TWO FACES! tWO FACES. MUtant DeER.
HEROINE: I am still very concerned.
CHARACTERS: We are worried this forest is radioactive!
MUSIC: The song ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons begins to play. Unironically.
OCTAVIA: I wanna go for a swim in the potentially radioactive lake!
GIANT MUTANT EEL: I wanna eat a random floozy.
OCTAVIA: And that’s how I got the mild graze on my leg.
GIANT MUTANT EEL: I nibbled on her like a cracker.
OCTAVIA: You saved me, Nerdy Dude 1!
NERDY DUDE 1: Jasper. But I can change it.
FINN: So it seems it’s you and me, Clarke baby.
CLARKE: Go jump in the lake.
FINN: But there’s a giant mutant eel in the—
CLARKE: I KNOW.
BELLAMY’S THUGS: *beat up Wells and take his space bracelet*
WELLS: I wish I was having fun with the giant eel like the cool kids.
SUDDEN ATTACK BY MUTANTS: happens to the cool kids.
CLARKE: My quest for food has suddenly gone hideously awry!
FINN: My quest for nookie has suddenly gone hideously awry!
NERDY DUDE 1: I should not have gone on a quest with a protagonist!
NERDY DUDE 1: Do not fret. I will survive a sharpened battering ram to the chest.
NERDY DUDE: … I was surprised too.
CLARKE: We have returned from our quest for supplies! What has happened in our camp? Have you guys been planning our survival on a hostile planet?
WELLS: Digging graves.
BELLAMY: Banging chicks.
EXTRAS: We invented bongo drums!
ALL: Did u guys bring back takeout?
CLARKE: No. More bad news. Mutant humans hunt us and have already wounded and kidnapped our comrade! WE MUST RESCUE HIM.
BELLAMY: We must build some goddamn walls to protect us from the mutant threat.
FINN: How about. How about, we don’t rescue him, but instead… we sit here.
CLARKE: I’m going to go do a rescue! And you’re coming with me, loudmouth with the gun!
BELLAMY: Fine, I and my thugs will go with you in order to take off your space bracelet!
FINN: And… hear me out, Clarke… we sit around, doing nothing, in a vaguely rebellious way, leaving our injured comrade to die… and you make out with me.
MONTY: I, Jasper’s BFF, would like to accompany you on our rescue mission.
CLARKE: No you must stay behind because you can save us all with your SCIENCE KNOWINGS.
WELLS: I loyally accompany u Clarke because of my good heart and my secret love 4 u.
CLARKE: I resent this because you doomed my father to die!
WELLS: We sure do have a fraught relationship and an interesting back story and a set-up love triangle, which is super weird considering I die next episode.
CLARKE: That is weird.
FINN: I catch up because I realised I could not make out with u if u were not there.
BELLAMY: Take off your space bracelet.
CLARKE: I won’t!!!!!!
BELLAMY: Take it off!!!!!!!
CLARKE: I won’t!!!!!!!
WELLS: She said she wouldn’t!
BELLAMY’S THUGS: He said she should!
CLARKE: I have fallen into a pit of spikes!
BELLAMY’S THUGS: The problem is solved!
BELLAMY: I have caught you!
BELLAMY’S THUGS: Ah jeez boss what are we even doing.
BELLAMY: TAKE OFF THE SPACE BRACELET!!!!
CLARKE: I WON’T!!!!!!!!!
CLARKE: I fall into a pit of spikes.
BELLAMY: I catch you but in a tense moment obviously consider dropping you!
CLARKE: I wish my love interest Finn had caught me. He would not have considered dropping me. But then, he does not like to do… a thing.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?
FINN: Embrace ur wild’n’krazy side, Clarke. Sport in this waterfall with me.
CLARKE: But our comrade is dying in torment as we speak.
FINN: SPORT, I SAY!
CLARKE: You are a YA contemporary hero in a dystopian world, Finn.
FINN: My chin-length hair is gone all crimpy in the radioactive rainforest.
CLARKE: Jesus the rocks by our romantic waterfall are literally painted in our comrade’s blood!!!!!
FINN: You gotta be less of a buzzkill, beautiful.
FINN: I am a master tracker.
WELLS: Yes. He learned this skill in space with no environment.
CLARKE: Yes. He did not fail to notice rocks dipped in blood in the very last scene we beheld.
CLARKE: We have rescued Jasper, who was strung up for the panthers to eat!
BELLAMY & WELLS: We have killed two mutant panthers with a handgun.
ALL: Seems legit.
WELLS: My amazing skills with a gun would be sure to be a vital part of the plot, were I to live.
BELLAMY: I see you love Clarke. I ship it.
BELLAMY: What, just because I’m the sociopathic leader of a ragtag band of criminals, I can’t have feelings?
WELLS: I fear she loves Finn.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?
BELLAMY: Rando Thug, while we quest I’m gonna leave my sister in your care. Don’t let her get all up in anybody’s business.
RANDO THUG: Is it a good idea to police your sister’s choices like—
BELLAMY: Look they don’t call me Bellamy ‘Bad Idea’ Blake for nothing. I shot the president and elected myself your king. What bit of that sounded like a good idea?
RANDO THUG: Good point, your terrible notions majesty.
BELLAMY: Remember, don’t let her get all up in anybody’s business.
OCTAVIA: I’m going to get all up in Rando Thug’s business!
RANDO THUG: This is gr8!
ROMANTIC SCENE IN WHICH RANDO THUG AND OCTAVIA ARE COVERED IN BIOLUMINESCENT BUTTERFLIES!
OCTAVIA: Can u feel the love tonight.
RANDO THUG: I thought I was feeling butterflies.
RANDO THUG: I mean literal butterflies.
BELLAMY: I’ve returned home. We killed a panther and rescued one of my subjects! What a great d–
RANDO THUG: I’m kissing your sister.
BELLAMY: … I string you up in a tree overnight.
RANDO THUG: … I don’t know what I expected.
BELLAMY: Do you want to keep your space bracelets, kids? Or do you want a delicious panther sammich?
FINN: Imma just take some panther.
ANOTHER KID: Cool, I’ll do that too.
BELLAMY: *punches him in the face*
OTHER KID: But Finn took the panther sammich!
BELLAMY: Seriously… who is Finn?
(Begins with a revelation!)
SARAH: I had a revelation about Rando Thug, the one who got strung up for macking on Bellamy’s sister. I heard Rando Thug’s name as Adam. But it is not Adam. It is Atom.
SARAH: In space, people are called Atom.
SARAH: I hope there is another character called Particle. I’m waiting.
ON THE SPACESHIP, IN THE PAST: flashback
FAMILIES: our fave occupation is watching centuries-old football games.
CLARKE’S FATHER: I have discovered our spaceship is broken and in 4 months we will have no oxygen. I must alert the whole ship by making a vlog!
CLARKE: Wells, my trusty BFF, tell no-one my dad is making a space vlog, Wells, especially your dad the space president, a stand-up guy who murders everyone for the least infraction.
THE LAW: arrests Clarke’s dad and shoots him off into space.
SPACE PRESIDENT: My habit of shooting people off into space for chewing gum and making vlogs will never backfire on me.
IN PRESENT DAY, ON EARTH WITH OUR BAND OF DELINQUENTS.
AN ACID FOG ROLLS DOWN ON THE RADIOACTIVE FOREST: killing a couple of extras.
AUDIENCE: Did you say an ACID FOG?
THE 100: Yes.
GOGGLES NERD, PREVIOUSLY SPEARED THROUGH CHEST: Oooogh. I am in intense pain. Ow. It stings.
MOB: Ugh his moans of pain interrupt our orgies. Someone kill that guy he is a downer.
CLARKE: I am intent on helping Goggles Nerd, or ‘Jasper’ though the mob I live with plot to kill him. I go in search of radioactive seaweed I believe will help.
WELLS: Let me help you, Clarke. I luv u.
CLARKE: No, I hate you because I think you told on my dad and got him murdered by your dad.
WELLS: *stoic pain*
FINN: I am present in this scene!
FINN: That radioactive seaweed is out of reach, bobbing in the water. I guess we could fish for it, or… give up and go home…
CLARKE: I wade into the water to get the seaweed. I will move this plot all by myself, God help me.
OCTAVIA: Do me, Atom.
ATOM: No thank you, your brother strung me up in a tree for kissing you.
OCTAVIA: BELLAMY, LADIES GOT NEEDS!
CLARKE, WELLS & FINN: We find a car, totally intact except sunk deep in the ground of a forest floor.
CAR: Sure. Seems legit.
ACID FOG: Hello!
CLARKE, WELLS & FINN: Let’s hide from the acid fog. Cars can protect you from acid fog.
CAR: Sure. Seems legit.
FINN: OMG guys I found booze in the car!
CLARKE: I wanna have an intense conversation about why you caused my father’s death!!!!!
WELLS: I wanna have a veiled intense conversation about my love for you!!!!!!!!!!
FINN: Guys I was hoping for a drinking game.
FINN: Guys maybe you are both right?
FINN: Guys let’s do shots.
FINN: Guys I won’t give up acting like I am on Dawson’s Creek and I hope my hairstyle reflects that.
CLARKE: Wait. Did you hide from me all this time that my MOM actually dobbed in my dad to the space president and made sure he got murdered?
WELLS: I let you think it was me because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings because your dad was dead and your mom was all you had.
CLARKE: Oh Wells. u r so important to me. I was so wrong to judge you.
WELLS: luv u clarke.
CLARKE: luv u wells.
WELLS AND CLARKE: We are the emotional heart of the show.
CHILD: I toddle, clearly eleven years old and incompetent at acting, about the radioactive rainforest.
BELLAMY: I register your presence with alarm.
ACID FOG DESCENDS: Bellamy rescues child, brings child to cave.
ACID FOG: can’t get in cars or caves.
BELLAMY: My immediate affection and interest in a hostile eleven year old girl is possibly meant to illuminate my feelings of protectiveness toward my sister, who I see as younger than she is, and make my constant attempts to stop her getting some slightly less weird?
BELLAMY: Doesn’t work. Still weird.
BELLAMY: I emote at you with persistence nonetheless, child actress.
CHILD: The spaceship president killed my parents and I am deeply traumatised!
BELLAMY: Here’s a knife, sweetheart. Hold onto it. It can be your security knifey.
BELLAMY: I am A-plus at childcare.
ATOM: Kill me, the acid fog got me and my skin is all peeled but also covered in pustules! Acid fog is very gross.
BELLAMY: Oh my God! Ew! Oh my God! Okay, my assorted thugs, small child, please leave. Okay I gotta kill this guy. Oh god this is very upsetting. I have second thoughts about my life as a murderous dictator. Oh wow I wish someone would come murder this guy for me.
CLARKE: Hi. I like… lost Finn and Wells. Finn maybe had an allergic reaction to plot and Wells is tending to him.
BELLAMY: Who is Finn?
CLARKE: Ew, that dude at your feet is definitely dying of looking gnarly.
CLARKE: But don’t worry, my mom was a medical professional.
CLARKE: Let me sing to you, Atom. Pretend Katniss and Rue didn’t really know each other, and also Katniss murdered Rue, and voila you have us.
CLARKE: Shhhh, sleep well, don’t cry, Imma stab you in the jugular so you bleed out….
BELLAMY: oh. OH.
BELLAMY: … are you a murder princess…?
FINN: I can’t believe we let her out of our sight for one minute and she did a mercy killing! I feel faint. Hold me, Wells.
WELLS: I am so happy Clarke and I are getting on. I look forward with joy to our future together.
BELLAMY (murmuring to himself): A murder princess…
CLARKE: I’d like some clean water and bandages while I apply radioactive seaweed to my patient.
MINIONS OF BELLAMY: Screw sick people and concepts like mercy, pity and civilisation tho…?
BELLAMY: YOU GET THE MURDER PRINCESS WHATEVER SHE WANTS!!!!!!
OCTAVIA: Oh God no, Atom is dead! I never got to do him. The tragedy is real.
OCTAVIA: WE HAD HALF A CONVERSATION ONE TIME!
OCTAVIA: I hate you Bellamy.
BELLAMY: Luv u.
CLARKE: I cured Jasper with radioactive seaweed!
JASPER: Yay, life!
OCTAVIA: Yay, one dude down, one dude spared!
FINN: Buddy, it’s gr8 u are alive. I wanted to leave you to die. Nothing personal, I’m a plot-hating weasel. Do you want some booze?
11 YEAR OLD CHILD: Can I sit with you since I had a nightmare?
WELLS: Sure. I’ll comfort you, as I am a good person whose best friend and secret love is reunited unto me, with many plot things to come for me as a vital point in the protagonist’s love triangle, the Spaceship President’s son, and the voice of reason and peace within this anarchic group.
11 YEAR OLD CHILD: And now I murder you with a penknife to the jugular, because: I am crazy.
WELLS: *gurgle* Ye hardly knew me TV audience, and yet I had so much more potential as a character and a love interest than Finn. *gurgle*
MEANWHILE, IN SPACE.
SPACESHIP ADULTS: I think we must be forced to conclude that due to their space bracelets not broadcasting their vital signs most of the teen delinquents we have sent to earth are dead.
RAVEN, FINN’S BEAUTIFUL GENIUS GIRLFRIEND: What if they’re just taking off their space bracelets?
SPACESHIP ADULTS: Despite having a science team working round the clock on this case, we never thought of that. Wow. This changes everything!
CLARKE’S MOM: u r my new protegee, Raven.
SPACESHIP ADULTS: Our oxygen is running out so we gotta kill 300 people.
SPACESHIP ADULTS: Shame we sent off our worthless criminal delinquents yesterday. Guess we could’ve got rid of them and risked sending some ‘responsible adults’ with ‘life skills’ down to earth since… we have to kill these valuable citizens now anyway.
CLARKE’S MOM: Raven, u r the best engineer on this spaceship even though you are 16. Please build a robot so you can fly through space and down to earth to check on these crazy kids and tell them of our imminent peril.
RAVEN: I will perform this amazing feat of engineering! Why? I am 100% heart and soul devoted and committed to my boyfriend Finn, whom I visited faithfully in jail, who I will risk my life to get to, and who is in no way on earth trying to bang not one but two chicks from the instant we meet him.
TV SHOW: OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
CLARKE: We never see my reaction to Wells’s death, just a grave. Because the heck with scenes of emotional resonance and interest!
CLARKE: We all assume the mutants killed him.
BELLAMY: Everybody is now intent on building a fort to keep mutants out! Yay, walls. Lovely walls. Love you, walls.
FINN: I give you a pencil.
CLARKE: I remember when Wells gave me painting oils.
FINN: Outclassed by Wells even in death…
NEW MEMBER OF THE 100, CONNOR, WHO IS BLACK: *collapses from exertion of wall-building, asks for water*
ONE OF BELLAMY’S PSYCHOTIC THUGS, MURPHY (who if you couldn’t tell by the Irish name is white): *pees on him*
AUDIENCE: Un. Comfortable.
OCTAVIA: I know you just got speared nigh to death, my other love interest got acid fogged in the face, and mutants surround us intent on our death, but DANCE WITH ME AROUND THE FOREST!
JASPER: … I’ve found a space knife and many of Wells’s fingers.
OCTAVIA: Well, that’s not very romantic at all.
AUDIENCE: Wait, the eleven year old child hacked him into pieces post mortem????? And nobody noticed that detail???
CLARKE: I suspect Murphy of killing Wells. Let us inform the anarchic mob of this so we may have a calm discussion of our options.
BELLAMY: Don’t do that. Do not do that. The mob will lynch him and quit building my walls.
CLARKE: *does that*
MOB: *lynches Murphy and quits building walls*
CLARKE: Bellamy do something!
BELLAMY: I could… help hang him?
CLARKE: BELLAMY DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
BELLAMY: I’M MAD AT YOU!
MURPHY: I am hanging from the neck until almost dead!
MOB: Woo hoo death!
CHILD: Tis I who was the killer! I am moved by my conscience though it did not trouble me when I killed a guy!
MURPHY: Woo hoo let’s hang this child!
MOB: May… be?
FINN: *wanders out of the radioactive rainforest, where he appears to have been carefully coifing his hair*
FINN: *stares at the scene of blood, murder and lynching*
FINN: Whoa guys. Whoa.
BELLAMY: TAKE THE CHILD AND RUN, CLARKE!
FINN: Should I go too?
BELLAMY: Who are you?
CLARKE: I will protect you child.
CLARKE: YOU MURDERED MY FRIEND AND I AM VERY MAD, CHILD!!!!
CHILD: I’m confused by your conflicting messages.
FINN: Clarke Clarke… don’t yell at people… I mean sure she murdered your best friend but… this is very heavy. Bad feelings. Can we use our indoor voices in the radioactive rainforest? Shhhhh. Wow, I hate doing stuff.
FINN: I have instantly fallen asleep and lost the child.
BELLAMY: I found and am attempting to rescue you, child!
MOB: Let us kill the child!
MOB: Or we will kill Clarke!
CLARKE: I don’t want a child to die for me! Let us talk this out!
BELLAMY: I will fight this mob!
FINN: So unchill guys.
CHILD: I jump off a cliff.
FINN: So unchill.
BELLAMY: I’M GOING TO MURDER THAT IRISH DUDE FOR LEADING A LYNCH MOB AGAINST A CHILD!
CLARKE: WE CANNOT JUST ALL KEEP MURDERING EACH OTHER!
BELLAMY: OH GOD BUT I LITERALLY ONLY HAVE IDEAS ABOUT MURDER!
CLARKE: NO BELLAMY REMEMBER YOUR IDEA ABOUT WALLS!
BELLAMY: OH YES MY SWEET WALLS. miss u walls.
CLARKE: This prevailing state of anarchy is unworkable!
BELLAMY: I refuse to let you lead us because your belief in people will kill us all!
CLARKE: Belief in people is OK maybe sometimes!
BELLAMY: Nope people are 100% terrible sauce. I know because: I am terrible.
CLARKE: What if we both made the rules? Somebody has to make at least one rule!
FINN: …. My hair whispers secrets to me.
SARAH: So there are not one, but two, long emotional scenes of baying, flame-torch-carrying mobs, endangered children, blood in the earth and fights to the death and Bellamy and Clarke S!C!R!E!A!M!I!N!G! at each other about truth and justice and anarchy and establishing leadership and rules over their merry band. During all of this Finn stares, horrified, into the distance.
Bellamy and Clarke scream at each other in front of a mob intent on lynching.
BELLAMY & CLARKE: ON EARTH YOU NEVER NEED TO USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE!
OCTAVIA: Bro? Bro!
Later in the day, Bellamy and Clarke scream at each other in front of a mob, intent on a different lynching.
FINN: *hair slowly deflating in distress*
BELLAMY & CLARKE: OK listen up guys, this enactment of 2 MURDER 2 FURIOUS must end.
BELLAMY & CLARKE: We are your king and queen now. We will make laws. Those who break our laws will be banished, to return at sinister inopportune moments in later episodes, no doubt!
BELLAMY & CLARKE: OK thnx for listening.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SPACESHIP.
THE SPACESHIP INHABITANTS: worship a plantpot.
RAVEN THE GENIUS MECHANIC: I consider prostitution in order to get a space robot part that I need to get to my boyfriend on earth from a shady black market dealer lady called Nigel.
(In space, ladies are called Nigel.)
RAVEN: No I could never do that to my beloved Finn.
AUDIENCE: … Maybe she means a different Finn…?
MONTY: *tries to use space bracelets to contact the spaceship*
MONTY: *shorts out all the space bracelets*
FINN: OMG we trusted you with science!
JASPER: I am sad the nerd science didn’t work.
OCTAVIA: Here is some good news. My other love interest got acid fogged in the face so you are maybe gonna get lucky.
OCTAVIA: MAYBE. Another love interest may rise.
FINN: I’M VERY UPSET! It’s been a very hard few days for me! Your best friend was murdered, you had to talk down a mob from killing a child who then suicided before your eyes, you became queen of a rambunctious group of criminals, you saved someone’s life via seaweed surgery, you found out your mom killed your dad… but the space bracelets got shorted out, which affects all 100 of us equally, plus I have had a hard week doing my hair and drinking and watching other people do stuff, which you know upsets me! I’M DISTRAUGHT!!!!
CLARKE: I understand and am moved by your pain. Let me bang you in a bomb shelter.
FINN: … Yes that should help.
RAVEN: I acquire a faulty space robot part and jet down to earth, at risk of my life, to reunite with my beloved boyfriend and to warn them of our spaceship home’s imminent peril.
THE 100: WE END ON RAVEN RISKING HER LIFE IN ROBOT BLAZING THROUGH SPACE, cut with SCENES OF FINN AND CLARKE BANGING.
PREVIOUSLY, IN SPACE: the spaceship is running out of oxygen. Clarke’s dad made a space vlog to tell people about it, but Clarke’s mom turned him in before he could air it. Clarke’s mom, the space president and the space president’s grand vizier shot Clarke’s dad off into space for this crime.
SPACE PRESIDENT: Eff you Space John Green.
CLARKE: We did the sex and it was amazing! luv u Finn!
FINN: ur cute enough I guess. This negging is going to be way worse in retrospect when you find out about my girlfriend, who we are now watching shoot through space and thinking she’s a star–oh god, this is the SPACE EQUIVALENT of my wife coming home on her lunchbreak to find me shagging the help!
CLARKE: I bet nobody is having as sexy a time as me this night!
BELLAMY: I’m having a threesome.
BELLAMY: Oh no someone is landing down from space. Probably someone who will contact the spaceship and tell them earth is fine and to come on down and then we will all be killed by our evil government. Especially me because I shot the space president.
BELLAMY: … Ladies, I gotta jet. Space radios to throw in the water.
CLARKE: Mob. Bellamy’s threesome babes. Direct me to my co-leader.
MOB: We dunno what to do, Bellamy has run off and we are helpless without him. Please tell us what to do Princess Clarke.
CLARKE: Man, this would not have happened if I had not been wasting my time canoodling!
FINN: … I have feelings.
CLARKE: Raven, you seem beautiful and intelligent, I welcome you to ear…
RAVEN: *makes out with Finn*
CLARKE: … errrrrr my gawd what weaseltry is this.
FINN: Clarke, this is such a complicated situation.
CLARKE: u have a girlf it’s not that complex.
FINN: I am so torn. She loves me. I care 4 her. But would like to still bang u.
CLARKE: Sorry about ur problems.
FINN: Can what we have started BE STOPPED, Clarke?
FINN: I’m NOT SO SURE!
CLARKE: Leave me out of this hideous situation, jerkface.
RAVEN: We must alert the spaceship to the fact earth is livable or our evil government will kill 300 people to preserve oxygen!
BELLAMY: Then our evil government will come kill everyone here especially me!
RAVEN: Our evil space president didn’t die when you shot him bozo! PS unhand me or I’ll knife you!
FINN: Ack, they’re talking about plot! *begins singing to drown it out*
BELLAMY: I already threw the space radio in a lake because I am a TERRIBLE MURDERER!
CLARKE: But you didn’t know about the 300 people then. You are not a murderer, you just love your sister very much.
BELLAMY: … really?
CLARKE: We are going to find this radio and make this right! Okay Bellamy?
BELLAMY: Okay, princess, assemble the troops.
FINN: The wheels on the bus go round and round… round and round…
SPACE PRESIDENT: Best to just select a random area of the spaceship to cut air from, killing innocents, and keep the information about us losing air from everyone.
SPACE VIZIER: You are a very inspirational leader, sir.
CLARKE’S MOM: I release the vlog, informing everyone of the oxygen situation.
CLARKE’S MOM: I oddly do not seem crushed by guilt for murdering my beloved husband who attempted to do this obviously necessary thing earlier.
SPACE PRESIDENT & VIZIER: Oh no, the gross space working class will revolt!
SPACE WORKING CLASS: We volunteer to die, in order to buy our loved ones more time.
SUDDEN RANDOM GINGER MAN: I do it for my little girl, going blind of oxygen deprivation.
SPACE PRESIDENT, VIZIER & CLARKE’S MOM: Wow, we are assholes and murderers.
FINN: Do u wanna talk about our relationsh–
CLARKE: NO I WANNA FIND A SPACE RADIO!
SPACE PRESIDENT: I should die with my people.
VIZIER: Or what if… you just let the working class die? We need you. You are so good at putting people to death… but then looking sad about it. That’s true morality.
RAVEN: Radio broken!
CLARKE: Let’s send up space flares!
IN SPACE, THE WEASEL EVIL LEADERS: *have long, slow discussions about how sad they are*
ON EARTH, DELINQUENT CHILDREN: *send bright space flares to alert people to the fact they are alive, make plans to repair the radio they found*
CLARKE: I hope our space flares save lives.
BELLAMY: … me too…
CLARKE: I’m very sad about Finn and Raven.
BELLAMY: I don’t really understand. Who is Finn?
CLARKE: Do you ever stare up into the uncaring night sky, bereaved and betrayed by all those you love who are living, and long for loyalty and affection?
CLARKE: Never mind.
BELLAMY: I thought you were talking about my life. Must have misheard you.
300 PEOPLE: put to death.
WEASEL LEADERS: Gosh I guess we should’ve looked out our space windows and noticed the flares slightly earlier.
CLARKE: OMG space funeral in the sky. OMG, MOM!
BELLAMY: Oh my God I accidentally killed 300 people.
CLARKE: Jesus shit got real.
FINN: Want to be with Raven but also bang Clarke, so…
FINN: Wait what is everyone looking at. Is something going on?