So, my resolution to blog more! How about blogging hilarious TV? I have rarely seen TV more hilarious than Teen Wolf.
I will give any show with elements of ze supernatural a chance, because I love me some fantasy. The basic premise of this show seems to be: People sure do like that Twilight! If we did a show all about werewolves, it would just be about the shirtless dudes in Twilight, and SURELY everyone would like that.
Fine by me, as I am devoted to The Vampire Diaries, also building on the popularity of Twilight. I was excited!
I watched half the pilot, and myself and the roomie gave up in disgust. Then a few months passed… I heard there was an actual gay character (In a supernatural show? Not a metaphor? Not subtext? An actual gay character? Actually?)… we gave it another try. Had our standards lowered, had we gone mad, did it get better? Who can say. But we watched the whole season.
Without further ado I present to you the tale of the Most Useless Werewolf In the World, and the People Who (Inexplicably) Love Him.
WELCOME TO BEACON HILLS
LACROSSE FANS: 2375 (there was one dude in Beacon Hills who wasn’t a lacrosse fan, but the werewolves killed that guy.)
SCOTT MCCALL: Our hapless protagonist. Severely asthmatic. Dumb as a box of rocks. Does not own a shirt.
STILES: Obligatory genre-savvy best friend of protagonist. Is on meds for ADHD, super smart but cannot focus in class. Owns all the shirts in town. Never shares.
SARAH: appreciates the fact that there are reasons for these kids to be loners, rather than ‘too deep to fit in.’
JACKSON: Minor antagonist. Captain of the lacrosse team! LACROSSE is very big in California. Dumb as a box of slightly more intelligent rocks than Scott’s.
LYDIA: his beautiful mean-girl girlfriend. Sekritly smart but pretending not to be to please him. (Lydiaaaaaa.)
ALLISON: beautiful new girl in town. Family has lots of weapons. Surname Argent.
SCOTT: … does not speak French.
SCOTT: I got bit by a wolf and now I am awesome at lacrosse! Rule!
STILES: This is lycanthropy, Scott.
SCOTT: OH MY GOD, IS THAT SERIOUS? WILL I GET A RASH?
SCOTT: Couldn’t help but use new super hearing to discover you need a PENCIL, new girl?
ALLISON: I like you. You have a certain animal magnetism.
JACKSON: So you are suddenly awesome at sports, and kind of aggressive. Where are you buying the juice?
SCOTT: My mom does all our grocery shopping?
TALL, DARK MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: *looms*
SCOTT: Who that?
STILES: Derek Hale. Few years older than us? Of the Hale family…? Who all died except Derek and his sister, who were in school when the house was burned down around their family by arsonists who were never caught? That’s why his face looks like that all the time.
SCOTT: House that burned down six years ago, leaving many dead, terrified orphans, unsolved arson case, and a burned-out manor in the woods? Don’t remember that…
STILES: Seriously? You are my best friend, and my dad is the sheriff. Everyone in a small town would know this.
SCOTT: … Not ringing a bell…
STILES: I seriously suggest that you do not go to this party on full moon night.
SCOTT: No. I must go on a date with Allison. IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING.
STILES: More important than people’s lives?
SCOTT: As my friend you must try to understand my priorities, no matter how dumb or sociopathic they may be.
SCOTT: I am a wolf. This is so awkward.
DEREK: Allison, you look like you need a lift home.
STILES: Allison, just checking you got home okay.
ALLISON: I’m touched by the concern for my safety shown by all the boys who WEREN’T my dates to the party.
SCOTT: I am a wolf. This is so awkward.
DEREK: Please attempt to not get shot by these hunters. I will protect you.
SCOTT: You are also a werewolf! OMG! You bit me! You jerk! Oh my god, people are shooting at me! I’m so mad in so many directions and I have so many questions! First of course is, how will this affect my relationship with Allison, the werewolf hunters’ daughter? Did she talk about me on the car ride home?
STILES: We must deal with this problem!
SCOTT: Do you think I should send Allison flowers?
STILES: No… the werewolf problem…
STILES: Scott, come with me and help me find the dead body buried in Derek’s yard and then I will summon my father the sheriff!
DEREK: No, see, that is my sister.
SCOTT: … Sick, dude.
DEREK: Someone ELSE killed her. Someone ELSE bit you. A DIFFERENT WEREWOLF. And my sister was my ALPHA, i.e. the boss of me. And now there is a new alpha, i.e. the boss of us, and we are betas and we need to team up and defeat our evil wolf overlord!
SCOTT: I do not want to.
DEREK: And I will help you be a werewolf.
SCOTT: … Then I can date Allison!
DEREK: Due to the fact that physical aggression and other physical stuff could turn you into a wolflike monster that will kill people, I suggest you do not play lacrosse or date Allison.
STILES: Due to the wolfishness, maybe cool it on the lacrosse and dating?
SCOTT: I REFUSE. WITHOUT ALLISON AND LACROSSE, LIFE HAS NO MEANING.
JACKSON: Oh my God, Scott is even good at bowling. LIFE HAS NO MEANING.
JACKSON: … I must know his dark, bowling-prowess-related secret. It is my no. 1 priority!
LYDIA: I wonder if they put ‘bad taste in men’ in the Beacon Hills water.
SCOTT: I am so filled with angst at the unreasonableness of my friends.
COACH: What is it McCall? Is it a girl?
SCOTT: Noooooot exactly.
COACH: Oh okay. So, Jackson’s best friend Danny is single and into dudes? He is a hot guy. And a great goalie. Keep it in the team, you know what I’m saying.
SCOTT: It’s cool.
COACH: You cannot do better than Danny, son.
STILES: I will train you to be a werewolf, Derek is an ass.
DEREK: My face is just stuck this way.
SCOTT: *knocks out Danny in wolfy lacrosse throes*
JACKSON: NOT MY BFF. I WILL END YOU.
EVERYONE ELSE: Danny? That is so uncool.
STILES: Scott, I have figured out that Allison’s voice dewolfs you!
STILES: Also, Danny? That is so uncool.
STILES: Do you think Danny likes me? Am I attractive to gay guys?
SCOTT: This show is not called Teen Sidekick. Let us discuss MY problems ONLY.
JACKSON: *is a better friend than Scott*
JACKSON: I don’t want to watch the Notebook again, Lydia.
JACKSON: Hey video clerk, I need the Notebook… Oh. I see you’ve been brutally murdered by a werewolf. Awkward. Time to faint and have the werewolf claw at my neck? Yes indeed.
DEREK: We must deal with this evil werewolf menace.
SCOTT: What rhymes with ‘Allison’?
BLOND VICTIM LADY: drivin’ along, dead of night, wind in my hair, werewolf on the roof…
BLOND VICTIM LADY: Must stop to freshen makeup and go after werewolf with bazooka.
BLOND VICTIM LADY: *actually Allison’s Aunt Kate*
AUNT KATE: *pursues werewolves, shoots Derek with wolfsbane bullet*
DEREK: My life.
DEREK: *faint from gunshot wound* Must find Scott. He will help me.
JACKSON: Scott is useless.
DEREK: Buddy, nobody is more aware of that than me, but I am out of options okay.
JACKSON: I presume due to leather jacket AND stubble that you are Scott’s drug dealer? What are you selling Scott?
DEREK: I am either going to kill you or faint.
JACKSON: You should quit sampling the merchandise.
STILES: JESUS CHRIST, IT’S A SICKLY WEREWOLF! GET IN THE CAR.
DEREK: Scott, I need your help. You must go to Allison’s house and find the bullets used to shoot me so I may cure myself.
SCOTT: That will be my second priority. My first is impressing Allison’s parents and Aunt Kate. I LOVE ALLISON.
DEREK: I am dying.
STILES: I am driving a dying dude around in my car.
STILES: Can I drop you off anywhere?
DEREK: I will rip your throat out with my teeth.
STILES: You are such an alarming person.
SCOTT: What beautiful chintz curtains, Mr and Mrs Werewolf Hunter! You have a lovely home. I am happy to sit and chat all day.
DEREK: Okay, I’m ripping off my shirt.
STILES: Oh, of course. I know how werewolves like to do that. Is it for angsty showering in your jeans? I know werewolves enjoy that occupation greatly. Is it for a lingering locker room shot? Is it to celebrate Tuesday?
DEREK: You are the only person in this town who is ever useful, and thus I would like you to chainsaw off my arm.
STILES: … Scott never asks me to do this…
STILES: I am not accustomed to this new alarming shirtlessness.
STILES: You are such an alarming person.
DEREK: JUST CHAINSAW OFF MY ARM!!!!!!
DEREK AND STILES: Our lives are terrible.
SCOTT: After a lingering dinner, I have located the bullet in Aunt Kate’s bag.
AUNT KATE: Who the hell went through my bag?
ALLISON: Me. Wanted condoms.
SCOTT: I could not be happier about this on so many levels.
STILES AND DEREK: BOY ARE WE PLEASED TO SEE YOU.
STILES: So Danny, how is Jackson after seeing a brutal murder? Did he see any evidence werewolves are real?
DANNY: He is traumatised and you are crazy.
STILES: Do you think I am hot?
DANNY: … crazy.
STILES: Lydia how are you feeling?
STILES: So you will have no recollection of this conversation?
LYDIA: None at all!
STILES: Is there any chance you could ever love me?
LYDIA: None at all!
STILES: Do you have a problem with me deleting incriminating pictures of werewolves off your phone?
LYDIA: None at all!
AUNT KATE: Hey, any werewolves working out in this burned-out mansion?
AUNT KATE: Derek, meet tazer.
AUNT KATE: Whoa, Derek the werewolf, way to grow up hot. Should I kill you or lick you?
AUNT KATE: I looooooooove torturing werewolves with tazers.
DEREK: *escapes through woods*
DEREK’S SHIRT: *does not escape*
SCOTT AND ALLISON: While all this plot stuff is happening to other people, we are talking a lovers’ stroll in the woods!
DEREK AND STILES: Oh, take your time, guys.
SCOTT, ALLISON, DEREK, LYDIA, JACKSON & STILES: *rounded up and trapped in darkened school by Alpha*
STILES: At least Derek, the other active character in this plot, is here.
ALPHA: *rips out Derek’s lungs*
STILES: Just me then. Forever alone.
LYDIA: I can make Molotov cocktails?
JACKSON: Baby, I will mess up your making of Molotov cocktails so we are totally defenceless.
ALLISON: I wish I had my crossbow.
ALLISON AND LYDIA: *would clearly be good characters if freed from the tyranny of strictly romantic storylines with the two dumbest dudes on the show*
SARAH: Free Allison and Lydia!
SCOTT: I can explain everything.
SCOTT: … DEREK HALE IS THE KILLER.
STILES: NEVER TALK AGAIN.
ALLISON: Scott, you are clearly lying and involved in shady business, so, Imma break up with you.
JACKSON: I am all sweaty and pale and weird from my werewolf clawing! Allison… I really like you.
ALLISON: Oh my God.
JACKSON: And Scott. I really, really like Scott.
ALLISON: You are obviously high.
JACKSON: Let’s all be frienz.
STILES: Scott, will you find out if maybe Lydia could ever be attracted to me?
SCOTT: You are my best friend, and you have saved me from both death and murder of all my loved ones many, many times. You are the most awesome friend. I will totally do this.
SCOTT: And by ‘talk to Lydia’ you meant ‘make out with Lydia myself’ right?
STILES: I’ve come to visit Scott, and I have brought bondage gear. *cuffs best friend to radiator*
SCOTT’S MOM: You kids play nice.
STILES: I’m still mad, but I don’t want you to kill people. I really am the most awesome friend. I’m going to stand guard now, listening to you growl and howl, with my head in my hands.
STILES: … also my mom’s dead.
SCOTT: Uh, are you not aware that Allison broke up with me? Why does it have to be all about YOUR pain all the time? God. *breaks out of chains*
DEREK: Hey I’m alive! And saving Scott from killing his girlfriend while a crazed wolf. Scott, has this experience made you rethink any of your life decisions?
SCOTT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SCOTT: By the way, I told the whole town you were a psychopathic murderer.
STILES: Derek what are you doing in my bedroom?
DEREK: I have to hide out here, because I’m a fugitive.
STILES: MY DAD IS THE SHERIFF! Wouldn’t Scott’s house make more sense?
DEREK: Scott is writing sonnets about Allison right now. He may put them to music later.
SHERIFF: Son… your first lacrosse game where you actually get to play is on later today. I am so excited.
STILES: DUN COME IN MAH ROOM! YES.. I AM EXCITED TOO… HUGS NOW SERIOUSLY LEAVE.
SHERIFF: What kind of crazy porn is the kid watching in there?
STILES: So I’m going to look into the text that lured us all to school to be murdered that day. Who sent it? My lab partner has mad hacking skills I WILL make him use to find out.
DANNY: I absolutely will not use my hacking skills. Who is that guy hanging out in your room?
STILES: He’s not a fugitive. If that’s why you’re looking at him. He’s not a wanted killer. He’s my cousin… Miguel…
DANNY: He’s got blood on his shirt.
STILES: FROM NOSEBLEEDS. Change your shirt, Miguel.
DANNY: ohhhh myyyyyyyyy god.
STILES: … I’ve just had a brilliant idea.
STILES: You know that scene where the femme fatale distracts the dude for the con? Congrats Derek! You are the femme fatale.
STILES: Try on every shirt in my wardrobe.
DEREK: THEY ARE ALL TOO TIGHT.
STILES: Is that so? You surprise me! Proceed.
DANNY: OH MY GOD, COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE IS AWESOME.
STILES: Work it, tiger. So, Danny, about those hacking skills?
STILES: My house, my rules.
DANNY: Your house rules.
DANNY: Scott’s mom was the one who sent Scott the text. Radically exciting news.
STILES: Scott’s mom lured us to the school? … Scott’s MOM is an evil werewolf? Um. Thanks, Danny! Later, Danny.
DANNY: LATER MIGUEL.
STILES: Scott’s mom can’t be the werewolf!
DEREK: So who do you think it was using her phone from the hospital where she works? My fire-scarred comatose Uncle Peter?
STILES: To the hospital, let us investigate!
SCOTT: I don’t understand why you’re not coming to the game, Stiles.
STILES: Because people dying is more important than lacrosse.
SCOTT: … I don’t understand what you mean when you say that…
DEREK: I do, though.
STILES: Are we having a beautiful moment?
DEREK: No! Because you made me feel CHEAP earlier. *bangs Stiles’s head against steering wheel*
STILES: Ahahaha, so the alpha IS your comatose Uncle Peter.
DEREK: Well, crap. I was only saying that to be ironic.
CRAZY UNCLE PETER: All the aunts and uncles on this show are crazy.
DEREK: Stiles, run!
STILES: I absolutely will. I’ll get Scott!
DEREK: That is such a sweet thought. But Scott is useless.
JACKSON: I’ve worked out you’re a werewolf! MAKE ME A WEREWOLF TOO. BITE ME, BITE ME, BITE ME…
SCOTT: Augh! It doesn’t work that way! Augh!
JACKSON: Yeah well make it work or I will make sweet love to your lady.
SCOTT: NO! Not my LADY!
JACKSON: Yep. I will do her someplace you will hear with your super wolf hearing and you will hear every moan and pant we make and…
STILES: What is up, bro?
SCOTT: Um, Jackson’s… talking dirty to me?
JACKSON: Bite me bite me bite any bit of exposed skin you like bite me bite me.
DEREK: The schoolboys in this town will not stop hitting on me. And I have enough problems already.
ALLISON: I’m so done feeling helpless and as if people, such as my boyfriend and entire family, are keeping life-threatening secrets from me. I am going to practise my crossbow skills.
LYDIA: I will come too!
SARAH: Free Allison and Lydia!
DEREK: I am evil now. Yep… totally evil. You and I should probably team up… with my evil Uncle Peter, until such time as we can catch him unawares.
SCOTT: YOU MONSTER.
JACKSON: Derek I’m in your burned out manor bite me bite me bite me bite me-
DEREK: KID, I SWEAR TO GOD-
SCOTT: Unhand him you MONSTER.
HUNTERS: Oh hi.
DEREK: Run, kids!
AUNT KATE: Oh look, I have shot Derek, and I intend to keep him chained up in my basement. And electrocute him. And lick him.
DEREK: MY LIFE.
JACKSON: Lydia, once I am a werewolf I won’t need a girlfriend! Welcome to Dumped-So-I-Can-Spend-Time-In-The-Woods-With-Shirtless-Dudes-Ville, population you.
ALLISON: Lydia, since you macked on Scott, be a friend and take Stiles to the dance?
STILES: Yay! My life is finally looking up! Finally!
LYDIA: I love Jackson sooooooo much.
STILES: Or not.
UNCLE PETER: How’s about I lure Lydia out to the lacrosse pitch and savage her?
STILES: OR NOT.
ALLISON: I wish somebody would tell me the plot of the TV show I am in!
AUNT KATE: We’re werewolf hunters, Allison. Check out this werewolf. Isn’t he hot? I’m torturing him, and it is super fun!
ALLISON: … I retract my wish.
AUNT KATE: Electrocute, knife, lick abs, electrocute…
AUNT KATE: Remember when you were fifteen and I seduce-molested you, and you thought we were in love, and I used you to locate your family, and then burned your whole family horribly to death?
AUNT KATE: Goooooood times.
SCOTT: I’m not allowed to be at this dance because I am failing all my classes! Danny–please, please dance with me.
COACH: You’re not allowed to-
EVERYONE IN SCHOOL: *deathglare*
COACH: LOVELY TO SEE SUCH HAPPINESS. Dance, children. Dance.
DANNY’S BOYFRIEND: Uh, step off my man.
DANNY: Look, guys throw themselves into my arms 24/7 around here. We are the number two town for shirtlessness in America, for God’s sake! I can’t help it. Don’t hate the player: hate the game.
SCOTT: Now I can dance with Allison! As Stiles pleads for Lydia’s life on the lacrosse pitch, and Derek is tortured by his molester for the 3rd consecutive episode, I am sure everyone is totally invested in this romantical moment.
ALLISON: Scott I have something important and plot-relevant to say about werew…
SCOTT: Shhh, honey. Shhhh.
ALL THE GIRLS IN TEEN WOLF: are wasted. Teen Wolf, be better than this.
UNCLE PETER: Help me find Derek or I kill you.
STILES: How do you expect me to do this?
UNCLE PETER: You’re the only smart person on the show.
STILES: A fair point. Okay, but help for Lydia first! OR YOU CAN JUST KILL ME.
UNCLE PETER: Smarts and a moral compass. I like you.
STILES: I don’t want werewolves to like me.
STILES: … Except Scott, obviously.
STILES: Okay, I’m going to break into Scott’s computer to get Derek’s phone number to trace him via GPS…
UNCLE PETER: Scott’s user name is Allison? … Scott’s password is also Allison?
STILES: Still want him in your pack?
UNCLE PETER: You know, I am Crazy Uncle Peter, but I am not this crazy. I totes wish I had bitten you instead, Stiles.
SARAH: AND SO SAY ALL OF US.
UNCLE PETER: Can I bite you? Can I can I can I bite you?
STILES: Um… no… thank you?
UNCLE PETER: I know you want it.
STILES: No… thank you… very much?
BEACON HILLS: no. 2 for shirtlessness. no. 1 for inappropriate physical contact, often of a bitey nature.
SCOTT: Derek, I found you in Allison’s basement, mostly by accident! Let me unchain you.
DEREK: Oh, thank you, Scott. At last I have a friend and ally who-
SCOTT: First promise me to protect Allison’s family from Uncle Peter.
DEREK: Let me get this straight – a condition of my freedom is to protect the woman who molested me and massacred my entire family?
SCOTT: I <3 Allison! DEREK: ... You unbelievable jerk.
STILES: I must go save the day, I sense a confrontation with evil is imminent, and Scott is entirely helpless without me due to his non-functioning brain.
JACKSON: I will help you! Trust me!
ALLISON'S DAD: Who is the other werewolf and where are they all?
STILES: Pardon me, Mr Crazy? I know not these 'werewolves' of which you sp-
JACKSON: I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
STILES: Oh for the love of God.
ALLISON AND AUNT KATE: Werewolf hunting is a go!
UNCLE PETER: Killing Aunt Kate is a go!
UNCLE PETER: Sorry Allison, but she really was a bitch.
SCOTT: Allison, we are both totally about to get et by Uncle Peter. So it's important for me to take this time to tell you that I love you very, very much.
STILES: I AM HERE AND I BROUGHT MOLOTOV COCKTAILS! Lydia is more useful than Scott and Jackson, and she is unconscious for the entire episode!
JACKSON: I'm here too...
ALLISON AND STILES: Molotov cocktails and crossbow prowess unite!
UNCLE PETER: *burns*
DEREK: I'm going to kill him now.
SCOTT: Derek no, if I kill him it might reverse my werewolf curse! Or it might make me the alpha and boss of you...
DEREK: I cannot contemplate a future in which you are the alpha. *kills*
AUDIENCE: I cannot blame Derek for a single, solitary moment.
ALLISON: Daddy please don't kill my boyfriiiiiiiend. We already killed the bad werewolf.
ALLISON'S DAD: Well, this is underwhelming.
STILES: So Lydia is not dying or transforming, which means some other supernatural crap that I, of course who else, must solve. It is always me.
JACKSON: Hey Derek I am trespassing in your home again bite me bite me bite me-
DEREK: I just killed my last living relative and I am feeling a little unstable.
JACKSON: ... What is that? I have never seen your face do that before.
SCOTT AND ALLISON: The viewers will be relieved to know that we love each other very, very much!